


Harry Potter: After the Magic - A VH1 Special

by EmperorNorton



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, mockumentary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-14 03:25:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16031993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmperorNorton/pseuds/EmperorNorton
Summary: Years after the Battle of Hogwarts, VH1 is proud to present a television special revisiting your favorite heroes, answering the question of what came next for everyone. Find out where Harry's professors are now, what his friends are up to, what has become of the Golden Trio, and where Harry's life has taken him. Hosted by Gandalf the Grey.





	Harry Potter: After the Magic - A VH1 Special

Harry Potter: After the Magic

~*~*~*~

A VH1 Special

 

FADE IN:

A montage of VH1 logos, with their dates used superimposed over the graphics, flashes on the screen.

MUSIC:

An autotuned cover of The Theme from Harry Potter

Text appears mid-screen:

HARRY POTTER: After the Magic  
A VH1 Special

**FADE IN:**

**INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM**

It is empty of students, yet a fire roars in the fireplace. A tall, bearded wizard in gray, GANDALF, stands at the fireplace, leaning against the mantle and swirling a clear goblet of an amber alcohol.

GANDALF  
_(eyes tracking in such a way that his cue-card reading is obvious)_  
Hello and welcome to “Harry Potter: After the Magic.” My name is Gandalf, and I will be your host for an evening of magic and delight as we check in with Harry Potter and the other Legends of Hogwarts, to see what they’ve been up to, and what they’re doing now.

GANDALF turns, now looking into a stage right camera.

GANDALF (CONT’D)  
Let’s start by checking in with Harry Potter’s head of house, Transfigurations Professor and Hogwarts Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall.

GANDALF takes a drink from his goblet.

 

**CUT TO --**

**INT. HOGWARTS CLASSROOM**

The empty classroom has stone walls and floor, and arched gothic windows. Two columns of empty desks, with a wide center aisle between them, could hold dozens of students but are currently empty. In the front of the room, there’s a large wooden desk with an ornately carved matching chair behind it.

ZOOM IN TO –

On the center of the desk sits a gray tabby CAT. To the right of the cat, there is a CAPTION BOX.

CAPTION BOX TEXT  
Minerva McGonagall  
Hogwarts Headmistress

CAT  
_(drawn out)_  
Meeeeeoooooooooow.

SUBTITLE TEXT  
“I got stuck.”

CAMERA lingers on the face of the CAT, which is making a rather stern and judging face, even by cat standards.

 

**CUT TO –**

**INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM**

GANDALF reclines in a cozy armchair while holding his goblet, which is now considerably less full. He startles, as though the camera has surprised him, but oversells it resulting in not-quite-believable acting.

GANDALF  
A shame, such a shame about that one. But since Hogwarts has turned into a real cat house…  
_(He chuckles at his own joke before continuing)_  
…let’s check in with some of the professors who sought outside employment.

 

**CUT TO –**

**EXT. New York City, shot from above.**

CAMERA PANS from Central Park to the west, past some streets—looking extra busy due to sped up footage of the traffic—before slowing down at the corner of West 66th and Columbus. The camera hovers on the door of the building as it opens

QUICK CUT –

SOUND FX  
_Elevator dings_

INT. SMALL CORNER OFFICE

The windows overlook a busy intersection. The furniture is modern minimalist to fit in the small space, but the bookshelves behind the desk and along the walls display various tea sets and crystal balls.

Sitting behind the desk is a middle-aged woman wearing gauzy layers and more sparkles than is age appropriate. Her hair is wild and free, and behind her glasses, her eyes look enormous. A CAPTION BOX appears to her left.

CAPTION BOX TEXT  
Sybill Trelawney  
Former Hogwarts Divination Professor  
Executive Vice President of Predictions, FiveThirtyEight

TRELAWNEY  
…as you can see, my dears, the glamourous New York City lifestyle suits me well!

_(She tosses back her head and laughs; it does not look half as glamourous as it does in her mind’s eye)_

Was I sad to leave Hogwarts after over two decades of teaching there? Of course. Counting my own student days, I spent over half of my life in that castle.

_(She nods solemnly)_

There comes a time when one simply knows she must move on.

_(She leans forward and pitches her voice lower, conspiratorially)_

Besides, as sad as I am to see Divination no longer taught at Hogwarts, it is only too painful of a truth that most students will never be able to progress in its study, as one is either born with the rare gift, or without it.

_(She sits back up, her voice and demeanor brightening.)_

But you aren’t here to hear me talk about my sadly ungifted past students! You want to know how I have been over the years since that horrible business with the dark lord. Well, after I was told that Divination would no longer—

_(She cuts herself off, and clears her throat)_

After I informed the Headmistress that my inner eye needed restful repose, to recover from the burden of so much seeing on behalf of sightless students, I took a sabbatical for self-reflection. During my sabbatical, I was able to spend some time truly interpreting some of my most famous prophesies. You do know what I’m talking about, right? The Prophet covered them extensively after the Battle of Hogwarts.

There’s the prophesy given to my dear friend Albus Dumbledore, God rest his soul, that foretold of Mr. Potter’s destiny; the prophesy given to Mr. Potter himself during his third year examination—I always did adore having him in my class, even though he had not even a wink of sight. Between those, and some of my other important knowings—“When thirteen dine, the first to rise shall be the first to die”—and all, I noticed there was a distinct pattern.

_(She relaxes in her chair, crosses her legs, and smiles smugly)_

Have you figured it out yet? Okay, I’ll take mercy and help. Numbers. Numbers are the pattern. Thirteen dine. “The Dark Lord will rise tonight. His servant has been chained for TWELVE years.” “The ONE born with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches, born to those who THRICE defied him, as the SEVENTH month dies.”

_(In an airy gesture, she waves a hand with a flourish.)_

It’s all so clear. It should even be clear to you.

_(She smiles benevolently)_

So, when it came time for me to look to my own future to see what fate had in store, I knew it would be number related. I had a vision of a tea cup spilling into the lake outside of Hogwarts—

 

SUBTITLED TEXT ON SCREEN BELOW TRELAWNEY  
Sybill Trelawney was seen tossing her favourite tea set into the Hogwarts Lake shortly before leaving England.

 

TRELAWNEY (CONT'D)  
—which clearly was referencing the colonists’ tea party, and so fate had given me a map to follow. My timing was also fateful, as I arrived in New York City just as FiveThirtyEight was near the beginning of a partnership with the esteemed publication, The New York Times. With the growth, my now dear friend Mr. Silver was in desperate need of new talent at analyzing numbers. And if my analysis isn’t quite as mathematical as it is math-e-magical, who’s to know the difference as long as I’m right in the end?

_(She winks, and then laughs.)_

My proudest accomplishment here, you ask? That’s an easy one. The month was November, the year 2016. It was mere days before the American’s presidential election, and all of my colleagues had long called which way it would go. But not I—for my eye was still open, and I was still looking. And, well…

_(She lowers her eyes, but the half-smirk she can’t quite stop reveals her modesty as false)_

Before I spoke up, we had Trump at 25% chance of winning instead of the 29% we settled on.

_(She leans across the table, and speaks next in low, throaty tones.)_

The inner eye doesn’t lie.

_(Suddenly, she sits up ramrod straight in her chair. Her eyes are glassy, and her voice becomes hoarse)_

FOR EIGHT YEARS, THE ONE WITH THE—

 

**CUT TO –**

**INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM**

A bearskin rug has appeared in front of the fireplace, and GANDALF is stretched out on it. His goblet rests just past the bear’s head, on the stone floor.

GANDALF  
—And then the crazy bird went on with some completely irrelevant babble. But, good on her, she got her happy ending. That’s more than can be said for all of the professors of Hogwarts that the boy-savior once held dear…

 

**CUT TO –**

**EXT. BUTCHER SHOP**

The street signs reveal this is the juncture between Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley. The shop is in ill-repair. The doorframe shows signs of weak, frequently damaged hinges. One window is cracked and foggy, the other boarded over. Above the storefront hangs a sign painted in a large, clumsy hand.

SIGN  
MEAT2EAT

The CAMERA pans over the scene while a voice over plays.

GANDALF (V.O.)  
When the last of the pureblooded old guard were flushed out of the Hogwarts Board of Governors, their new blood muggleborn replacements had a different idea of qualifications and educational accreditations. They conducted a thorough audit of the teaching staff, and—sadly—not all longtime staff members made the cut. Today, we will check in with one who was let go and had to look elsewhere to find a way to make ends meet.

CUT TO –

INT. BUTCHER SHOP

A large man—half-giant, to be precise—with wild hair is hunched over a butcher block table, bawling. He wields an absolutely enormous cleaver, and slams it down into an unidentifiable lump of meat with a practiced ease, and then starts crying even harder. A caption appears above him.

CAPTION TEXT  
Rubeus Hagrid  
Former Professor of Care of Magical Creatures, and Hogwarts Keeper of Grounds and Keys  
Current proprietor, “MEAT2EAT” Butcher Shop

HAGRID  
_(His voice is strangled by the tears in his throat)_  
Fluffy!  
_(He chops the lump again, then loses himself in his grief)_

GANDALF (V.O.)  
Well, this looks like a personal moment. Maybe we’ll check back in with Rubeus Hagrid later. Or maybe not. Regardless, don’t step away—after these messages from our sponsors, we will be checking in with some of Harry Potter’s best friends from his school days.

BEGIN COMMERCIAL BREAK.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written in script format before. All formatting decisions were made based on the first hit on a google search of "script format." And then, what little formatting I did was eaten by AO3, so here's hoping it's legible.
> 
> If you think Gandalf wildly is out of character now, then boy do I have some fun in store for you...
> 
> I got the idea for this years ago, and would joke with friends about one day producing and filming it as a youtube mockumentary. As we are all lazy, this never happened. So instead, I'm writing it up and releasing the text into the wild. If any of you are more motivated and want to run with this, please send me a link to what you do. And also, ham it up. Or play it straight. Do what you want, I'm not your boss.
> 
> Coming up next: Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, the Weasley Twins, Draco Malfoy.


End file.
